Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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