the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
