The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
