News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
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