You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
