I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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