i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
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