How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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