I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
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