I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
