Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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