how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
