how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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