i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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