We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
