Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
