Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
