I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
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