what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
last night I used snow as a chaser
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