my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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