Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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