Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
