i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
