if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
My vagina just recognized that song.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
