Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
