Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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