My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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