matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Randomize
