He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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