I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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