guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
