She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
