hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize