so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
