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Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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