he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
