He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize