CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
