i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
You ruined the universe
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
