I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
