The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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