Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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