I heard we made out
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
