tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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