i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
