So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
