Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
