This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Randomize