I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
