just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
You don't make any sense
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