i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
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