I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
smell my finger.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
