does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
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