I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Randomize
