so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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