Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I need to calm my uterus...
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
