i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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