you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
