Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
