Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
