If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
