explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize