So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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