Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I need to stop coming to work sober
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
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