this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
