he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
