I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize