I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
