you're like a bully in the Christmas story
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize