if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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