Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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