I want you more than these girls want KFC
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
